Things I will never say to my former liar-lover, now that she is with someone else and attempting to contact me again

I have spent four months in therapy–double the amount of time we were “talking.”
I have panic attacks when I see black Ford Fusions.
I have panic attacks when I see dark blue Columbia parkas.
I have panic attacks when I smell Burt’s Bees Milk & Honey lotion.
I have panic attacks when I hear someone say the word “re-imagining,” or “re-conceptualizing,” or when they talk like a literary theorist.
Shalom.
You told him your secret the day after you told me you were in love with me, didn’t you?
I lied to you–my church community wasn’t as great as I thought it was. They told me I couldn’t play in their worship band after I came out.
Even if they were that great, they still wouldn’t have accepted us.
If I had known your secret, I wouldn’t have even accepted us.
Sometimes I imagine I am made of metal so that you cannot hurt me and I am more powerful than you.
Since I have come out three weeks ago, two people have tried to sleep with me without me having to sexualize myself.
There exists no possible world in which I want to speak with you.
I would not be angry with you if you had just told me the truth.
Even if you hadn’t lied to me, you would still be a manipulative, controlling, small individual that does not deserve any of these 200+ words.

Because of you, I understand what not to allow in relationships.
Because of you, I understand that I should feel safe communicating my boundaries.
Because of you, I understand that there are evil people in the world.
Because of you, I understand that all evil can be reduced to selfishness.

Because of you, I understand that you, and anyone like you, are
U N S U S T A I N A B L E.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Things I will never say to my former liar-lover, now that she is with someone else and attempting to contact me again

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s