A love letter to myself at various times in my life

Dear you/me/us,

There are moments I wish time travel were possible, so that I could show you who you are today. There are moments I wish it were possible to show you yourself, interacting with others, so you could know what you are really like.

There will be times when you will run, and run, and run, and you will not reach the thing you are searching for, because it is inside you. There will be times when you will collapse with exhaustion and curl up in a ball, asking yourself and God why you were made the way you are. There will be times when your Self will burst with light and color and warmth, radiating out from you for the world to see. There will be times when you will not know where your Self is, or if you ever had one.

I would like to remind you that–whatever torment or euphoria you endure–this, too, shall pass.
You will hear those words someday, and you will hate them, because they do not make things feel better.
You will remember those words someday, and you will love them, and you will weep over their bitter truth.

Remember that Jesus had a thing for pissing off religious people.
Remember that Jesus demonstrated the ultimate model of love as he allowed himself to be murdered.
Remember that Jesus destroyed death.
Remember that Jesus is the only one who has never failed you.
Remember that Jesus is the only one who will ever understand you.

Remember that love is a commitment to someone else’s physical, mental, and spiritual well-being.
Remember that not everyone who says they love you is telling the truth.
Remember that people lie.
Remember your self when you enter into a romantic relationship.

Do not be afraid when you lose your self in your first romantic relationship (you will find it again).
Do not be afraid when women think you have feelings for them (homophobia is not your responsibility to correct).
Do not be afraid when you think you are completely alone (you aren’t now and never have been).
Do not be afraid when you make new friends (they will hurt you, but you will be okay).
Do not be afraid to flirt with women (it is ridiculously fun).

Don’t kill yourself.
Don’t kill yourself.
Don’t kill yourself.
Don’t kill yourself.

Your mental health is more important than being friends with them.
Your mental health is more important than your GPA.
Your mental health is more important than making her happy.
Your mental health is more important than your job.

You look radiant in your cargo pants, baggy shirts, and hair that hides your face.
You look stunning in your black dress, blazer, necklace, and curly hair.

It is okay to cry as you first see Grandma’s body in her hospital bed–you can call your family later.
It is okay to not be the strong one for her.
It is okay to express your depressive thoughts to your friends without worrying they will become overburdened by you.
It is okay to feel abandoned by the Church.
It is okay to love the way you do.

Above all, dearest Stephanie, understand that you are loved, even if you are hated by every human on the planet. Your Creator has assigned you unsurpassable worth, and there is nothing which can take it away.

Stephanie

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