To my future lover

Doubtless you are, or will be, my friend first, so let me apologize.

You have likely heard about my past heartaches, my sentiments toward the persons who caused them, and the language I used to describe those sentiments. I captured the beauty of their hearts with my words, and likely you have read them or heard them.

You have likely heard about my sometimes-attitude toward relationships. Please understand that it was only to fortify myself against feeling anything meaningful. I became a Machiavellian Prince, ready to devour and destroy what could lead me, potentially, to destruction.

Understand that I could never bring myself to do so.

You are likely reading these words now, wondering if I am speaking to you directly, as if I know who you are and what you fear and what you desire. Understand that I do not know who you are. I do not know your feelings for me. If I suspect anything, I will search the nuances in nonverbal messages of any and all persons with which you may interact for any evidence that you do not have feelings for me.

In this way, I will defeat myself.

I hope that you will ask me your questions. That you will split my skull open and dissect my brain to discover a universe contained within myself. I hope you will always know that when two infinitely complex individuals come together in a relationship, their union creates a uniquely complex bond that can never be replicated. I hope that you will let me consume you with my love and affection. I hope that you will do the same for me.

Lover, come out of hiding. Do not fear rejection.

Do you know that even those for which I do not return feelings never feel unloved by me?
Do you know that sometimes I disappear in relationships?
Do you know that I share the same insecurities which paralyze you?
Do you understand the things I can do?
Do you fear the things I can do?

Do you fear me? Be bold! Be strong!

Come out of hiding.


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