To my first ex-girlfriend: 2

No amount of room spray can rid these walls of the stench of loneliness and alcohol.

I wish I could hate you.

You were drying out on my floor, and I was tired of feeling like the only honest person in the world, so yes, I checked your phone, and yes, I found the text messages.

Run my fingers through your hair…

Yes, I know we aren’t together anymore. But, you said that this break was about working on ourselves and not pursuing our other interests. I thought that meant you weren’t going to go for her and go back to me if it didn’t work out.

We could do it in my car…

The most interesting thing to me is the fact that she is everything you are not. She smokes cigarettes. She smokes marijuana. She is addicted to pills. She has casual sex.

I want to fuck you so bad!

Interesting that you call me whenever you are overwhelmed. Interesting that you convince me to fuck you on the day you decide to stop talking to her. Interesting that, even though I know you can’t bear the thought of being alone, you still tried to make it seem like I was just itching to get you off.

You could keep me company…

I wish I could hate you. Oh, how I wish I could hate you. I can’t hate you. You were drunk out of your mind, on my floor, throwing up into my bin, and still I sat with you, running my fingers through your curls, telling you that I loved you.

Can I pull your hair?

Everyone around me is telling me to dump you, with the exception of those that know you. Everyone that knows you is telling me to keep fighting for you. How can I fight for someone who doesn’t see my value? How can I fight for someone who doesn’t love me simply because I exist? How can I fight for someone who only calls me when she is either suicidal, or too drunk to drive herself home? How can I fight for someone who lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies?

If you’re not interested in being in a relationship with me, maybe we should stop.

Even reading the word, “lies,” becomes meaningless once it’s repeated enough.

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