To my first ex-girlfriend: 5

Please don’t hurt me.

I will never do that again.

I haven’t cried a lot over you. Mostly, I have felt the white-hotness of anger welling up inside me. You’ve diffused it lately, saying things that I never thought you’d say again.

Have you thought about if you want to get back together or not?

When I’m around you, I believe you. I think that was the reason I spent so much time with you before; I wanted to know for sure that I could believe you. If you were with me, you were not with someone else.

Our kid would look like that.

I want to move past this. Desperately, I want to move past this. But, you spent at least a year lying to two people about who you were. You cheated on one girl with another girl, and then cheated on that girl with the other girl.

Do you believe me when I say that I have learned from this?

I want to trust you when you don’t give me your phone to look things up on the Internet. I wanted to trust that you weren’t calling her or texting her or sexting her when you left the funeral for ten minutes.

Let it out, Steph. You can’t keep it all in all the time. I know I hurt you; I need you to stop protecting me from feeling that.

I need to trust you in order to be with you again. It’s getting better; you’re inviting me over more, you’re talking to me more, you’re telling me more things you like about me, you’re being more affectionate.

You’re changing.

Can I stay the niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?

But I can’t get it out of my head that you were texting her and you liked her and you lied to me about liking her and I told you that you liked her and she liked you and you made me feel crazy for believing the truth and then you broke up with me and then we said we weren’t going to pursue anyone else and then you sexted her and then I found out and and and and and I don’t know if I can handle this I don’t know if I can handle this I don’t know if I can handle this I don’t know if I can handle this

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