A few days ago, I got drunk with my ex, and she asked me what fears go through my head on a daily basis.
I gave her a list, but now, I realize I was wrong. I realize the paranoia, and obsession, and constant checking, and checking, and checking, and checking, and checking, and checking, and checking
is just how my brain works.
I used to say that my brain was broken. Like a record player that Pete and repeat were on a cliff Pete jumped off who was left repeat Pete and repeat were on a cliff Pete jumped off who was left
God, I hate this form of writing. Postmodern writing is so fucking confusing. Write what you want to say, Rose.
Oh, I have decided I will go by Rose, from now on. That way, I can separate the new liars from the ones who have been lying to me up until this point.
I am paranoid. I am paranoid that she isn’t who she says she is, I am paranoid she is doing things she says she’s not, I’m paranoid that the girl speaking Russian near me in the library is secretly plotting to kill me, I’m paranoid that everybody is watching me, but above all, I am paranoid that no one is watching me.
I am paranoid that I will die in insignificance.
I have been so trained to crave significance that if I am not doing anything, if I don’t have an audience, if I am not acting smart or right or kind or generous or any other good and wonderful thing I am not worthy of the love of any of the people who stepped on me and treated me like I was nothing, like I was garbage.
Oh my god, I cannot breathe
Someone, please, rescue me from this body of death!
I am so tired. I crave brokenness, because in brokenness I have an excuse to be on the floor, and I would rather be there, crying, than here, panic-stricken.
I feel like the world is on an angle. Oh my god, what is wrong with me. I feel like if I stood up, I would fall forward into oblivion.
Oh my God
My God, why have you forsaken me?
And if you haven’t, can you please destroy me?
At the very least, can you tilt the world back up? Can you make the floor stable again?
I cannot even trust the floor.
rescue me from this body of death