What to do, what to do

Here are the facts about my friendship/flirtationship with my ex-girlfriend:

  1. We talk nearly every day, whether that is through text, phone conversations, or in-person visits.
  2. She still suffers from intense bouts of depression as a result of her feelings for someone else.
  3. She wants to get to a place where she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone.
  4. She doesn’t want to lose the prospect of being in a relationship with me.
  5. She and I are still physically affectionate with one another.
  6. We occasionally have sex.
  7. Every time I come close to her, she pushes me away.
  8. Every time she is depressed about her feelings for someone else, she stops talking to me.
  9. Every time things get too difficult, she calls me.
  10. Sometimes, when she is feeling happy, she will hang out with me a lot, and sometimes she’ll go so far as to tell me that she loves me.
  11. She was getting a lot better, until she started talking to the person for which she has feelings again.

I don’t know what to do.

Cutting her out scares me.

Staying near her scares me.

I spend my days trying to navigate the in-between, wondering if I’m too close, or too far away.

I don’t know what to do.

I told myself I wouldn’t get high again, but I am thinking about it. I only did it once, but I felt nothing but bliss and wonder.

Maybe doing it again will help rid me of my paranoia.

Why do we pick people who treat us like we’re nothing?

I heard we accept the love we think we deserve, but I am waiting to see what kind of love she has to offer.

What am I supposed to do?

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