This is why we didn’t

You say you think your depression is coming back. I know what this means.

I pray with all of my might that the powers of darkness will not overcome you.

It seems as though they don’t.

We are in the car, and you are self-analyzing. I hate it when you self-analyze, because people who have had depression only for a short time are the only ones capable of self-analysis. I, having wrestled in the dirt and mud and slime only to be touched on the hip with a forever-limp, cannot distinguish between what is me and what isn’t me when I am in the moment. You can. You can say, “I am this.” I can only say, “I know not who I am; I know not what I do.”

All this, and I don’t remember what you said in the days prior with any sort of distaste. I don’t remember with any sort of distaste your heartbeat on my back as you stretched out on top of me, reaching your arms under my chest to feel my breasts. I don’t remember with any sort of distaste your breath on my neck, or your hands around my waist, or your lips on my skin

don’t look at me that way. On at least two occasions I felt your lips brush against me.

But then, you say the thing I wish you would never say. In these moments, I want to get as far away from you as possible

thank GOD for Oklahoma, or I wouldn’t be able to
thank GOD for God, or I wouldn’t be able to
thank GOD for my self-confidence, or I wouldn’t be able to

“WHY?” you say you ask
“WHY?” you say you cannot stop asking
“WHY?” you don’t know I ask
“WHY?” I have started to stop asking
“WHY?” someday I may never ask again
“WHY?” I say only when I’m drunk

You are so wrapped up in your shit
that you cannot move, even to reach out and
touch me
in the places where I can show you your worth to me
I am not the definition of your value

I am an example of your value.

For, if you were not valuable, a girl like me
would never love you as much as
I do.

But definitions do not require examples.
The definition of something is not made known by its examples
it is REFLECTED by its examples.
Its examples are mirrors

and just because someone holds a mirror covered in shit
up to your face
that doesn’t mean it gives an accurate reflection
of you.

So, when you say “WHY?”
I say
Let her save herself.
When you say “WHY?”
I say
Let her find her own contentment.
When you say “WHY?”
I say
I will not be around forever.

When you say “WHY?”
I say
You are pushing me toward them.

When I say “THEM”
I mean everyone who wants to hand me a mirror
free of the shit in your “WHY?”

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