i told myself i need to write because i drank a fair amount of alcohol and my brain still won’t shut off.
let me explain to you where it is coming from.
or, wait, no, i won’t. because to be honest i don’t even know why i’m writing this. i know there are people who read it, on occasion, but i want someone i know in person to be obsessed with everything i write. i want to give someone the link to this website and have them check it obsessively. i want someone to cut up my sentences into little pieces and pore over them like i would pore over the poetry or writing of someone i cared about.
actually i pore over the poetry or writing of everyone i care about. i forsake everything that i must to do in order to keep up-to-date on what i have to do according to my brain which always seeks to obsess over something and i wish
i fucking wish
one person would do that for me.
i want someone to be so infatuated with me that they feel my words contained the power to both crucify and resurrect them.
i am angry.
i was with someone who made me feel absolutely worthless and that is after i was with a church that made me feel absolutely worthless and i am very tired of feeling worthless. i am also tired of hearing that i do not have a mean bone in my body or that i could not cut someone open with my words. the truth is that i can. the truth is that i wish it were not boring to be a gentle person and to give someone access to an unobstructed stream of love and affection.
the truth is that i resent my most recent partner because of how she made me feel. there are a lot of things i felt but the most important thing i felt was that i had to go to extraordinary lengths to keep her attention. and right now i am intoxicated by both the alcohol and my anger and i would very much like to call her and tell her how much i hate what she has done to me.
ever since my most recent church told me i could not play music with them because i am gay i have been obsessed with not letting myself become unknown. and relationships mediated that for a time but then the relationship with my most recent partner became more of me having to explain why i was worthy of her attention and effort.
i don’t want to say i hate her because i told her i never would say that, and i don’t break promises. unbroken promises are another thing that i wish didn’t become mundane. what people don’t realize is that every single second i am alive is important and i intend to treat it as such.
currently there are eleven hornet stings on my body. i counted eight last night, but today i saw more. they itch. i keep scratching them, but they keep itching more.
i’m so tired. i have a very difficult time falling asleep, and i have an even more difficult time staying asleep.
i am very tired. and i am at home but it doesn’t feel like it and i wonder who is responsible for this and i wonder how long this will continue.
and i wonder if the next person who shows interest in me will stop being surprised by me showing up to their work bearing an almost-perfect peach pie and start being surprised by someone else telling them they’re pretty.
god bless america.